San Francisco Hipsters: A Report

As part of our to create a more tolerant and unified vision of the San Francisco experience, Ben and I set out to document the vertiable menagerie of hipsterdom on display from its intellectual highs in Bernal Heights to its investment banker nadir on Chestnut. Enclosed, you will find our complete report on San Francisco Hipsters.

Corporate Hipster

• Thinks that the Urban Outfitters Catalog is the Cutting Edge
• Differentiate themselves from their colleagues by discussing their hipsterness with their managers
• "Yeah I went to this warehouse party this past weekend. I met these artists. I think we can use them to build a corporate brand strategy targeted at the zeitgeist"
• Buys art online at work
• "Begrudgingly" Works for the Man
• Perpetually applying to Business School
• Dallies in the LSAT
• Life Dream: Run Google.Org with an Iron Fist

Granola Hipster

• Retreats from the City at every opportunity
• Does not stay in hotels
• Camps, always with friends or a significant other
• Drives a Subaru or other small SUV (perferably a hybrid)
• Spends too much time/money at REI/Patagonia/NorthFace
• Goes out of their way to buy local/organic
• Rock Climbs
• Has a lot of friends in Portland or Seattle
• Has most likely lived there
• Leaves stable job as structural engineer to be a snowboarding instructor in Colorado during the winter
• Talks about leaving work for good (and moving to Colorado/Ecuador/Nepal)
• Never does
• Always in a loving, long term relationship(Much to the disappointment of most women) or a Womanizer
• Significant other wants to clean Manatees while riding the waves
• Life Dream: Teach Indigenous Peoples to Ski

Music Hipster (many of which live in/around SOMA)

• Has People over for Listening Parties
• Listens to HypeMachine
• Goes to Amnesia to Scope Out Up and Coming San Francisco bands
• Style Inspired by Run DMC, Supplied by RVCA
• Owns shoes with bright flourescent colors
• DJs on the weekend
• Goes to other neighborhoods to grab coffee/hang out/drink
• Not the case if there are dance clubs involved
• Loves to Rage (in a mild, controlled way)
• Clubs and Music Festivals especially
• Life Dream: Be Cool Forever in an Authentic Way

Research Assistant Hipster

• Studied the Economic Implications of Social Change in Peru while he was in college.
• Won Award for His Thesis, Thinking about Applying to Grad School Heavily
• Tell-tale signs
• Already Looks like a Professor
• "No Grandfather Cardigan Left Behind"
• Friends from College are all English PhD Candidates
• Rarely goes to Bars
• Most usually found having 70s style soul searching adventures with small, heavily curated group of thin, attractive friends
• Always Bi-Curious
• Thinks the Spirit of the 60s is still Alive
• Life Dream: Have a Cult of Personality at a Prestigious University

Transient Hipster

• Hangs out at Molotov's
• Lots of Leather with Metal Studs
• Full Sleeve Tattoos

• Live Paycheck-to-paycheck (if there is a paycheck)
• Paycheck is written on a found object
• Older
• "I've been drinking Pabst since you were watching Pretty in Pink"
• Somewhat abrasive right off the bat
• The looks of distain they give new/unfamiliar people is very intense
• They can never be gentrified by the Marina Crowd
• Would never go to Cow Hollow/Marina
• Criminal Backstory: Once tried to burn down Cow Hollow
• If they have the money, they'll own a motorcycle
• Paint scheme is always black
• Does not receive credit card offers in the mail
• Life Dream: Keep On Sticking it to the Man

Valencia Hipster

• Has Trust Fund
• Fixie (with riding cap)
• Takes part in Critical Mass
• Holds his/her U-lock in their back pocket while in transit
• Has been beaten up with said U-lock
• Knows how to pour an artisanal latte
• Has used this ability to pick up other Valencia Hipsters
• Pick-Up Line: "My foam comes in patterns"
• Learned how to loiter charismatically at Swarthmore or Brown
• Would only reluctantly tell you where they went to school
• Lives in a large apartment
• Which is in turn filled with too many other hipsters, in effect making the large apartment a small one
• Apartment is also filled with too many Craigslist finds
• They always intend to fix up/restore said finds, but never get around to it
• Found on the weekend waiting to be seated at Boogaloos
• Sunny Day = NE corner of Delores Park
• Plays Tennis with Exercise Balls and 40 Closest Hipster Friends in Ironic Mating Ritual
• Fashion
• Flannel Year-round: Thin and Thick depending on the weather/activities
• uncomfortably tight pants
• Uncomfortably thin legs
• heavy, dark-rimmed glasses
• If they're wearing a hooded sweatshirt, they have the hood over their head
• If hood is not on head, you will notiice that sleeves are have been [forcibly] removed
• Spurns Nordstroms in favor of Goodwill/Salvation Army
• Stubble Trouble
• Latin America Social Club is their Mecca
• Life Dream: Lives in the Present

Artist Hipster

• Begrudgingly has a day job to make ends meet
• Day job is usually somewhat applicable to their art
• Example: Work at a framing store
• Exception: Service Industries, Being a Park Ranger
• Claimed their name as a domain the day after they graduated from college
• Makes out with People on the BART on the way back from Oakland
• Where they attended a gallery show in W. Oakland
• "The art was okay. I can tell that Alex is trying really hard. He's asking for $900 for his major piece. If he's asking that much, I wonder how much I can ask for."

Gay Hipster

• Spans all aforementioned Hipster varieties
• All fashion trends are taken to the extreme
• Thinks that Naked Yoga is an appropriate way to meet new people
• Has a Love/Hate Relationship with the Castro
• Thinks that Blackbird is "a delight"
• Rarely has sex with non-hipster gays
• Thinks that Having Sex with Shoes on is Hot